I have been contemplating whether should I write down my heartfelt thoughts or should I just brush it aside. After all, taking time out to blog may not be worth it when I can use the time to do other tasks (like sleeping early because I have to wake up early) but in the end, I chose to switch on the laptop and do it simply because I still care a little before I give up completely.
I am just going to be blunt because we need to be honest. The content of this post may or may not be pleasant to you, well, it depends on how you take it. There are only 2 ways, either 1) Why didn't I think of that? or 2) She is just like ST, not understanding at all. What happened to her?
From my guess, I will take the latter.
But is alright, I don't care if you guys see me as unreasonable or lack of understanding. But before you even come to that, just touch your heart and ask yourself: How much have I done to help you? Can you honestly tell me straight to my face that I am unreasonable, not understanding and that I've changed? If you can, then I can only apologize for thinking too highly of myself. The things I've done are not helping but burdening you instead.
When you want to rejoin after leaving the team, how much talking and pleading we had to do to change ST's mind? Bear in mind that you quit recklessly or without waiting for his verdict. You left the team, you left us. You should be bearing the consequences but why did we bother to share those consequences with you and even intercepted on your behalf? The answer is simple (don't need to think hard): We are a team and we will go all out if you need help. You convinced us that you regretted and want to come back to train. We believe in second chances. We believe(d) in you.
But now? It seems like you are going to leave again and I felt like I got slapped right in the face by ST's conviction: "Let them come back for what? Join back to leave again?" Do you understand or know the feeling of being proven so wrong when you were so confident of being right while you were persuading someone?
Don't make promises or commitments you can't keep. The agreement is to attend training once a week, 3 hours. I am not saying that studies are not important. Yes they are, they are going to be the meal tickets for the rest of our lives because this is how Singapore works. But is taking 3 hours out of 168 hours (7 days) really that difficult? You attend 5 school days straight and you still have weekends to continue studying. Taking in the fact that we are humans, not robots, is studying 24/7 effective? You can still focus despite going non-stop for days, really? I know exams weigh a lot and the contents/theories are never-ending but shouldn't there be a balance? And not forgetting your partner, during this time of studying, are you totally neglecting them? I am really curious about this, not being sarcastic or what, I really want to know how you manage your time.
I know many have been saying ST don't understand how we feel, he thinks that studies are not important etc. I, very much, would like to disagree. Yes, ST, on the surface, keep saying study so much for what? What is school? and other nonsense but may I share the fact that he actually does agree that studies are important? Many times we have conversations about further studies, if he don't think studies are important, why will he have the thoughts of going to uni after completing his NS?
So why is he saying all those despite thinking otherwise? Would you, already in a stressful state, prefer someone who further stress you up by saying: "Yeah, you should study till you cram everything in that brain of yours and you shouldn't do any other things except studying" or "What is study? Chill lax only." Someone who understands the definition of failing (from past experiences) knows the feeling better than anyone who has never failed before. If he don't understand, why will he compromise to the agreement?
It is just an issue of how serious we take our commitments.
Team talks are useless, redundant because we are not completely honest with each other. How many of us can cross our hearts and say "I did"? Not me because I know words can kill and I don't speak thoughts that I can't put across in a less harsher way. I do take the feedback seriously, I think about them and ways on how to improve myself to be a better team player but do you? If each of us did, then why is the team still in the same spot with the same problems?
How do you expect others to think from your point of view when you can't be bothered to put yourself in others' shoes? This team is selfish because it is all about "I, me and myself." Have you ever stepped out from your own circle of perspectives and see from others' perspectives? Have you tried understanding their thinking on why they said such things despite understanding your thoughts? There must be a reason. I know it is not easy but it is not impossible. I used to be like that too but over the time, I've learnt to step out and think from all angles. I can't believe I have such selfish thoughts to the extend that I get speechless from internal conflicts.
We will only move on from where we are currently standing by stepping out of our comfort zones, meaning less "I, me and myself" and more "she, him, they".
When you make a mistake, there are only 3 things you should ever do:
Learn from it
Don't repeat it
Playing under ST for so long, each and every one of us knows his character well. Many times he had tested us on the worth of YDC, our desire in training and the determination to improve and win. Every single time he throw out this sentence: "You don't need to come down for training anymore", every single time I will retort with the advice: "Thick-skinned a bit, just come down". All of us, and I mean every single one of us, knows his pattern.
If you, from the beginning have no intention of coming down for training, why in the world did you even ask me or others what to do? You have already decided, you just want the confirmation on your answer. Saying "I won't be coming down for training because he tell me not to" is just plain dumb. In the first place, don't bother asking if you already have an answer. Moreover, it is not like you don't know what's going on. Ask yourself if you are looking for excuses to skip training because that is how it is to us.
Reflecting back on the team talk, it seems more of lies than truth. I am already disappointed beyond words because I felt like efforts have gone down the drain, just like that. All those energy, time and effort have amounted to nothing.
I am not venting out to psycho you to leave. I, of course, will want you to stay to continue training with us but if you are not happy staying, then what's the point? We are not unhappy, we just feel unfair. Unfair that even to the end, ST still speak up for you and pushing more responsibilities to us. Unfair that we have to put in more efforts because you are not putting in the minimum.
All I am asking for is to think from our sides, is that too much to ask for? Just stop for a moment and think.
Yeah, I know you people stalk my blog hence the post. I have more to say but I choose to hold my tongue because I think I have said enough, no need to add on.
Yes, I was sad when you first left the team that's why I was willing to speak on your behalf. But now? If you want to leave, I won't stop you. I don't feel sad anymore. I have done my best and my part. I am not angry or upset, just plain disappointment.
Just a word of advice: Think carefully and don't regret. If you decide to leave, don't look back and just continue moving on. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. The next time we see each other, it may be on court but sad to say, as opponents.
Till the next time.