I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing because it's too damn painful.

Honestly,I don't know what to say.or rather,what to feel anymore.

In the beginning,it was awkward seeing the team again after for so long.I admit,I felt guilty because in a way,somehow I 'betrayed' them. But at that point of time when I left TGT,I really had no interest in Tchoukball or joining another club because I had a lot to think about(life,future,next step and etc).

And then,I went down for Thrillblazor's training(once) to help Esther and Kendrick because I did promise to help them out.ST knew about it and he was abit sour because he had been asking me to go down for his training for quite some time and I have been rejecting him.Yet when Esther and Kendrick asked me,I agreed immediately.Feeling guilty about it,I agreed to go down to train at YDC and I emphasize that I just want to exercise and not join.

Then came MBT cup.ST asked if I want to play.At first,I was half-hearted to play for YDC because I know words are gonna spread about me and I don't want YDC and ST to be implicated.I did tell ST if he have to drop players,drop me first because I have not been consistent with the training and the others have been putting in a lot of effort for training,as compared to me.Ever since then,I have been dreading 17 November 2012.

The day have finally arrived and with mixed feelings,I appeared not as a TGT player but as a YDC player.I was mentally prepared for whatever that's going to come my way.But I over-estimated myself.It was harder than I thought.I heard rumours and I got blamed for an internal conflict in the Women's National Team,which I never know existed till today.

All of you have the thought of confronting me but why didn't all of you do it?Is it fair to push the blame to me without finding out my side of story?Is it fair to push the blame to me when I know nuts about the conflict?

A tiny part of me still refused to believe that you guys will say such things about me.Whatever happens to the 3-4 years of friendship?We used to be a team,we played together,sweat together,went through thick and thin,ups and downs.So those years of time spent together are...nothing?

I thought you guys understand me but seems like I got it wrong,again.

I want to see all of you as friends-saying hi,joke around but based on today,it's totally mission impossible.Why do things have to end up this way?

Day 2 of MBT tomorrow.

I feel numb.I feel disappointed.I feel angry.I feel sad but I guess at the end of the day,I will end up feeling...nothing.

& I broke down for the 3rd time.