Friday, September 30, 2011

Courage is knowing what not to fear.

I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances. And how it’s really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you’re always glad you took it. ~ Scrubs

But sometimes, I just can’t make myself believe in this advise. I really wish I could, I sometimes ask myself, “why are you so scared? what is it that makes you feel that way? why?” but…..the truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared of everything, and I don’t know why.

I’m not brave as you think I am. I’m scared of never feeling any differently than I do now. I’m scared of always feeling bad but I’m also scared of feeling good. I’m scared of bad things happening to me but I’m also scared of good things happening to me because it would be so not what I’m used to. I feel trapped by my fear. I feel immobilized by my fear. I’m scared that I’m going to stay in the exact same place I’m in right now forever. I’m scared that I’ll never move beyond where I am. I’m scared that I don’t have enough courage to take the healthy risks I need to take in order to grow and change and do things differently. I’m scared that I’ll never learn to like myself let alone love myself. I’m scared of living, really living, not just existing. There are people in my life who say they love me but I’m scared of never really knowing that they love me; scared of never really feeling loved by someone else. I’m scared of missing opportunities that I may never get back again. I’m scared of wasting time. I’m scared that in a blink of my eyes I will reach the end of my life and I will have realized that I haven’t lived. I’m scared.
I’m scared of everything.


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