Sunday, November 1, 2015

A letter to Grandma

Dear Grandma, 

It has been 2 years since you have left us. Up till this date, the trip to Mandai is still difficult. Whenever I am there, standing in front of you and grandpa's niche, I can't help but remember your cremation as though as it happened yesterday. I have a terrible memory but it feels like your death takes up a majority of my memory space. The entire procedure will be played vividly in my mind; from the funeral service to the final walk to the offering of the flower to the casket being pushed for burning. 

I guess part of me still can't get over your death. I shouldn't have left Singapore for some dumb wedding of someone whom I don't even know. I should have listened to my gut feelings, the instinct that made me hesitate. I should have been there for you. You were still smiling before the day of my departure, telling me to get your favourite snacks from Malaysia. You were supposed to wait for my return and eat the snacks that I've bought for you. I will be judging you while you eat them, stealing some bites in between. 

I was never close to you when I was young, probably due to Grandpa taking charge of us. You were always in the kitchen, cooking while I stood by the side watching and helping (but my intentions were to play and pretend I was the chef). All things changed when Grandpa got hospitalised. You were always making an effort to travel all the way to the north to visit him and brother and I will accompany you. Being young at that point of time, I find it a hassle at times because of the long distance travelling. Now that I think about it, you really miss and love Grandpa a lot. Seeing your loved ones suffer all alone really hurts you, like a knife sliced deep. You want to be there for him even though you couldn't do anything to ease some of the pain away. 

You got hospitalised a few times and I didn't hesitate one bit to keep you company from day to night for all of your hospital days. Nope, I never regret missing work and cancelling appointments to stay with you albeit you kept chasing me away. Yeah, those were the happiest days because I felt like I got even closer to you. I know you dislike being alone in the hospital room so I know my presence made those hospital days a tad better. 

Nights and days of sudden longing for your presence are becoming more and more unbearable. Suppressing the urge to let the tears flow freely is getting tougher and tougher. 

Will there ever be a time where I can smile at the photos of you and grandpa without the urge of bursting into tears? 

Will there ever be a day where I miss and think of you without soaking my pillow? 

Will there ever be a moment where I can talk to you animatedly in my mind without forcing myself to do so? 

I have never known how to love or what is the feeling of loving someone. But through you, I have learnt the most important lesson in life, the strongest emotion that conquers all. Thank you for everything you've done. This is just a temporary separation and I believe I will see both you and Grandpa in heaven. 

Grandma, I miss you and I love you. 

Till then. 

Your mischievous granddaughter

No comments: